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Serendipity in Syokimau

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27th of January, 2016

An entry in Mahatma Bangi’s journal:

So today as soon as the wages of last night’s sins seemed to have been sufficiently eviscerated from the temple that is my body, I set about to my usual business. Read a bit, wrote a bit and insulted people on Facebook and Twitter. Halafu I decided to go jogging on these beautiful streets of Syokimau. You know when you indulge in the variety and quantity of mind altering substances that we partake of, fitness is a serious priority. Not because you are afraid that those vices will kill you, but because you want to live as long as possible to enjoy those vices.

So as I was jogging I saw some fat people, also jogging. Now for some reason I find fat people jogging extremely funny. Not funny in an insulting way, but funny in a friendly, hilarious way. I mean, fat people tend to be extremely likable. Now they were jogging slightly faster than a bow legged turtle with marasmus, so it was inevitable that I would pass them. Now I realised that this could be taken as an insult, as in “look at this already fit devastatingly handsome incredibly sexy young man passing us just to rub it in our faces that we are fat and slow”. Fat people have enough problems, and I didn’t want to be seen as an asshole that early in the day. Luckily I spotted a Naivas shopping mall so I stopped and went in, figured might as well get some food. Food doesn’t only belong to fat people.

So as I check in I spot the building has a club called 254 Lounge. Remembered seeing them advertise on Facebook, as well as the fact that a kind soul once told me that the place is normally chock full of beautiful Kamba women. Now my friend if you have never been in the presence of a hot Kamba woman and had her lavish her attentions on you, then you, my friend, have not lived. Tembea Kenya nani. Figured I might as well check it out, and since it was past 5 somewhere on the planet, decided to have a beer.

As I was heading to the lounge I saw a sign for a bookstore so I headed there instead. Approaching the book shop I saw a bank, and decided that I might as well get some pesa, seeing as poor people are most likely getting paid their salaries this week, the ATMs might fail or the bank card networks might go down. And there is a nothing as embarrassing as paying a bill via card halafu that goddamned machine refuses. Especially if you are in the company of a pretty woman.

As I was heading there I smelt food, and the Luhya in me kicked in. As Luhyas we can’t control it; it is wired into our brains, the part that scientists would call the lizard brain. So off to the food court to eat went I, and eat did I. I then saw a perfume and cologne shop and decided that since Valentine’s is coming up, I might as well go and buy a perfume for my next ex.

On the way there I see this apparition. A ravishingly spectacularly singularly beautiful woman. Muslim. I say Muslim cause she was wearing a bui bui or hijab or burqa or whatever and she was pretty. I hear those are the requirements for Muslim. My Christian sistos, I’m sorry but in the looks department waislamus have chapad you guys ten nil. And they cover it all up. And you can still see the beauty. Wewe umebeat lakini ma mini ma hotpants ma boob top ndio zako. Asphyxiating our eyes with cellulite. But I digress.

Now back to this angel. This creature is staring at me, and actually smiling. Mentally I quickly run through all the activities of the past week that had conspired to place me here at this moment in space and time, and threw a silent shout out to Lord Jesus, Thor, Heimdall and Jay Z. She approaches and says hi. I try to use my most unexcited voice as well as my resting bitch face, and fail miserably at both. Awkward silence as she smiles and laughs. Promised myself like 15 years ago not to behave like an idiot in front of a mind blowing amazon, and I am proud to report that I have never been able to keep that promise.

She says she likes my t shirt. I’m wearing my Battousai Sons of Anarchy Nairobi t shirt. Now I don’t normally jog in haute couture, but there were no other clothes available on the couch where I had slept. She says she loves Sons of Anarchy. For the less enlightened among us who might be reading this, Sons of Anarchy is arguably one of the best TV series ever made. Jax is her favourite character on the show, and she thinks I walk like him, so that’s what made her smile and laugh. She says I have made her day. She asks whether she can get one just like it. I answer in the affirmative, and say I will personally see to it that a similarly glorious piece of attire shall be nesting in her lovely arms soon, to be held and admired in a way that she would probably never hold and admire me. She blushes and says I’m funny and asks the price of the shirt. I up the cost by 500 bob. Never mix business and pleasure boys and girls. She accepts and asks me to take her number. My phone is off, thanks to KPLC who can now add the title cockblocker to their name. Na mi sio wale mashoga wa kujaza mfuko na power bank. She saves my number in hers and says she will send a text. She leaves, walks away and leaves my life in pieces, heart racing palms sweating and trembling. Trembling. For the life of me I cannot remember what I’m doing in a shopping mall in Syokimau. I rush home.

Now I’m here praying reciting the Rosary beseeching whatever Gods might be to please please let her send me that text.


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Facebook Rant

Censor content

Ladies and gentlemen. The Battousai has always believed in freedom of thought. Ladies and gentlemen, it follows that he also believes in freedom of speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, it seems, however, that the powers that be at Facebook, a.k.a Mukuru kwa Zuckerberg, do not share this cherished and hallowed belief.

Apparently, you can post pornographic pictures and videos, gory images, glorify violence, incite tribal hatred, statements intended to defraud, pictures of dying children et al. Facebook will not give a flying rat’s ass about all these.

Many a time Facebook has taken down my posts and or images, because they deem them offensive. Ha. Riddle me this: looking at American society, what is it that they find offensive? I mean, they allow a hate filled clown like Trump to not only run for president, but actually become a front runner in the race. They actually give Sarah Palin time on TV. America is an implicitly and explicitly racist society that incarcerates, brutalizes kills people based on the colour of their skin. They export war all over the world. They actually think Obama is a bad President. They allow the Kardashians to exist. They allow Morris Chestnut to act in movies. They label you a terrorist, gangster or militia based on your skin tone. They actually tried to impeach Bill Clinton. They have createda new breed of rappers who dye their hair and wear skinny jeans. What do they find offensive?

The answer to that is: My posts. I made a comment on Shoba Gatimu’s post and they took it down in record time, in addition to placing yours truly in Facebook jail.

Here is the comment, verbatim, made in response to a shallow, misogynistic, sexist, offensive post: “These faggots who keep passing judgement on people should stay home and masturbate into their herbal tea.”

I know people have strong feelings about herbal tea, but I didn’t know it was that serious. Herbal tea tastes like shit. Like faggoty masturbatory shit. Yeah.worst-thing-about-censorship

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Phil Bio

Philip Walubengo is a lawyer, author, writer, public speaker and development worker. He also fancies himself as an artist. He also dabbles in politics from time to time. He likes to think that he has a sense of humour.

He is the editor and publisher of the blog Walubengo’s Den, whose Facebook page is here:


He is also the editor and publisher of the blog known as The Battousai, his alter ego, whose Facebook page is here:


He is the author of the book:  the Himura Chronicles, whose Facebook page is here:


He is also the editor and compiler of a book known as 500 Amazing Quotes, whose Facebook page is here:


Philip Walubengo’s official Facebook page is:




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My fellow human beings, let us call truce with the glory and vastity of the environment we live in. How else do we expect the universe to give us unlimited access to the ethereal; the time warp portals, comprehension of the concurrent time plane itself far from our conventional perception of it, anti-gravity propulsion, our in built DNA mysticism, unfarthomable deep sea life forms and a coexistence with possibly much older, out of our radar, beings. How can we experience all this without the prerequisite intent and form maturity to protect the very natural armor that feeds and concurrently protects us while attempting self rejuvenation of the ongoing damage. Show me another existent system with such supportive elements and I will (without hinder) join you all in the focus on destruction of the environment. Have you ever sighted the angular defying of gravity, wind and all aerodynamically preset laws during the flight of a non computerized insect known as a dragon fly? Why wouldn’t we want to watch over all other complexities of living earth no matter how miniscule in scale and study thus adapt such advancements, and not only for technology based warfare, but aspects such as limitless aero travel, cell regeneration, food delivery systems where scarce and medical urgency? Besides,isn’t it from nature’s library that we have forged instant solutions-also denoted as Biomimetics, such as the winglet on our aircraft to tackle the drag phenomena, the amphibious vehicle, strong bond adhesives from gecko feet, hemispherical cameras from the bug’s eyes, robotic arms from the elephant’s trunk, bullet trains from the kingfisher’s beak, navigation for the blind from the bat’s sonar, pressure resistant materials from the deer’s antlers, reduction in fluid based drag from shark skin, wide angle cameras from our own eyes, velcro from the burrs of plants that stick to dog hair, full color display screens from butterfly wings and the list evergrows.



Let us call truce with each other. How can we happily worship monetary status, acquisition and wealth amassment beyond the scale of losing the basics of caring for and loving each other prior to this euphoric savagery? Isn’t there a constant reflection in most, if not all of us touching on the realization that those graced with the titles of being great founders and maintainers of civilizations and cultures throughout recorded history, the inventors, innovators, peace makers, humanitarians, medical and technological trendsetters have mostly been motivated by other long term factors such as inefficiency, corruption, insecurity, poverty, improper medical facilities, compassion, the need to solve communal challenges-adverse situations of which the causation is easily traced to the creation of societal strata forged by the misconceived pegging of success, resources and availability of justice on the monetary classification of individuals thereby cultures thus on a larger scale countries due to the boundary based enclosure and classification of global states. Why would we after so much thirst, quest for and final obtaining of information, education, and knowledge; go ahead and give money such personification surpassing our overall regard for each other? How, where and with whom do we even intend to finally enjoy the long searched for legal tender when we can’t create mere care slots for those who surround our daily lives?

My fellow ones, let us call truce with our founding fathers and mothers. While we leisurely travel to the majestic Lalibela church of Ethiopia, the historical sites of the Hopi Indians of the Americas, the cliff grave sites of Indonesia, the cultural diversity of the Dogan tribe of Mali, the Nazca lines of Peru, the library of ancient artifacts of China, Mt Kilimanjaro (being the world’s highest freestanding mountain)’s snowcap, the salt content of Djibouti’s Red Sea, the architecture and mysticism of the Great Pyramids of Egypt, Stonehenge of England, the Grand Canyon of the U.S and the Great Rift Valley of Kenya, the Cape of Good Hope of South Africa, the forest Gorillas of Uganda, the intricacy of cave paintings of the Lascaux Cave of France, the religious storage of India, the musical, medical and engineering breakthroughs of Germany, the Swiss Alps, the coffee of Brazil, the dynamics of the Maldives Islands, the mystics of the depths of the Mariana Trench of the Pacific Ocean, the volcanicity of earthly mounds and the venomousness of the Sea Wasp of Australia and Guinea’s shores, let us always keep in mind that without the fore founders’ highest regard for our environment these would all currently be fantasia based travels and feats.

Despite the desperate situation involved, there doesn’t exist a worthless life form so there is room to start a fresh as we live in a world that is readily available to work with us and restore itself when we are ready to reciprocate the effort. To all those who take time away to better the situation at hand, I assure you that I feel, partake in and appreciate your dedication no matter how trivial to the eyes of others. Via the Hartmann’s Grid system, every input we feed the world so do we receive feedback. It is the hour of man to manipulate a positive butterfly effect and reap the immense benefits of a happy universe. It is the age of Scorpio-the adage BETTER LATE THAN NEVER applies.

By Eric Sasia




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I Came To Win


I wish today it would rain all day
Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
Trying to forgive you for abandoning me
Praying but I think I’m still an angel away
Angel away, yeah strange in a way
Maybe that is why I chase strangers away
They got their guns out aiming at me
But I become Neo when they’re aiming at me
Me, me, me against them
Me against enemies, me against friends
Somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood
They start coming and I start rising
Must be surprising, I’m just amazing
I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
More fire

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly
To fly

Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint their own pictures then they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
That is how I know that the time is near
So we become alive in a time of fear
And I ain’t got no motherfucking time to spare
Cry my eyes out for days upon days
Such a heavy burden placed upon me
But when you go hard your nay’s become yay’s
Yankee Stadium with Jay-Z and Kanyes!!!

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Love the Way You Lie ~ Part II

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you’ll always win
Even when I’m right
‘Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin’ up
In smoke with all our memories

It’s morning, you wake, a sun ray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby,
speak softly,
tell me you’re awfully sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me!
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
without you,
I’m nothing,
I’m so lost,
hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
Then after that, shove me,
in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ‘
cause we’re that lucky
Together, we move mountains,
let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’?
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counsellin’
This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
With you I’m in my fuckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry?
But that’s alright because
I love the way you lie…


Take Care

I know you’ve been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here’s what I’ll do
I’ll take care of you
I’ve loved and I’ve lost

I’ve asked about you and they’ve told me things
But my mind didn’t change, I still the feel the same
What’s a life with no fun? please don’t be so ashamed
I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours, we both know
We know, they don’t get you like I will
My only wish is I die real
Cause that truth hurts, and those lies heal
And you can’t sleep thinking that he lies still
So you cry still, tears all in the pillow case
Big girls all get a little taste
Pushing me away so I give her space
Dealing with a heart that I didn’t break
I’ll be there for you, I will care for you
I keep thinking you just don’t know
Try to run from that, say you’re done with that
On your face girl, it just don’t show
When you’re ready, just say you’re ready
When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy
And the parties over, just don’t forget me
We’ll change the pace and we’ll just go slow
Won’t ever have to worry,
You won’t ever have to hide
If you’ve seen all my mistakes
So look me in my eyes

Cause if you let me, here’s what I’ll do
I’ll take care of you
I’ve loved and I’ve lost

It’s my birthday, I get high if I want to
Can’t deny that I want you, but I lie if have to
Cause you don’t say you love me
To your friend when they ask you
Even though we both know that you do (you do)
One time, been in love one time
You and all your girls in the club one time
All so convinced that you’re following your heart
Cause your mind don’t control what it does sometimes
We all have our nights though, don’t be so ashamed
I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours, we both know
We know, you hate being alone
You ain’t the only one
You hate the fact that you bought the dream
And that they sold you one
You love your friends but somebody shoulda told you somethin’ to save you
Instead they said…

“Don’t tell me, I don’t care
If you hurt, I don’t tell you
You don’t care, if you’re true”

“Don’t tell me, I don’t care
If you hurt, I don’t tell you
You don’t care, if you’re true”

I know you’ve been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here’s what I’ll do
I’ll take care of you
I’ve loved and I’ve lost